Stop Waiting

Depression doesn't have to paralyze you

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Courtesy of Danielle Rice on Unsplash

Depression felt like a storm that was always hanging above me, just waiting to unleash a torrent of misery. In some ways, it felt very paralyzing. I was a type A personality who was able to keep a part-time job and keep up with university classes. But there was always a feeling of waiting for something I couldn't identify.

I spent a lot of time waiting to feel the passion for life people around me seemed to feel.

I waited for the anxiety to stop. I felt on edge all the time.

I waited for the brain fog to lift.

I waited for the endlessly spinning thoughts to stop turning into catastrophic thinking.

I never really believed that I could have the same kind of success that I saw others around me having. I was too wrapped up waiting to be "normal" to challenge myself. Even when my depression was under control, I still waited for life to just drop success in my lap.

The depression had become a crutch that was my excuse to keep repeating the same old habits. As long as I held on to that crutch, there would be limits in my life. I would always be waiting.

I had to switch my mindset from being victimized by my mental illness to exerting control in my life. Withdrawing from life had been a way to cope with the numbness, apathy, mood swings, and overwhelming fatigue caused by the depression.

Doing nothing felt safer. If I didn't form connections with others, people couldn't see what a mess I was inside. That crutch wasn't just holding me back, it was preventing positive change that could bring happiness, love, and joy into my life.

As long as I held on to that crutch, there would always be limits in my life. I would always hold back instead of giving my talents everything I had. Change is always easy to think about but hard to do. It's hard, painful, and takes time. 

Doing nothing felt safe.

If I didn't connect with new people, they would never see the mess I felt like. I couldn't be disappointed when my efforts didn't feel perfect enough if my expectations weren't too high. That crutch wasn't just holding me back; it prevented positive change that could bring happiness, love, and joy into my life.

Use Your Therapist to Push Past Barriers

One of the worst things about depression is that it can make me feel very out of control. This caused frustration and anger. The flip side of depression is always anger. I felt angry with myself for being so weak that everything always feels like it's falling apart. 

Super noisy and crowded environments increased my anxiety. I felt like I wanted to crawl out of my own skin. Sometimes, depression triggered panic attacks that made it hard to breathe. It felt impossible to overcome those barriers on my own. Talk therapy created a safe place for me to come up with a strategy for not just coping but regaining a sense of control.

Believing you must overcome every battle in life alone is a mistake.

A good therapist can help you come up with strategies to prevent and/or cope with panic attacks. One of the best tools that I gained from my therapist was using mental visualization. She helped me create a picture in my mind based on a peaceful and calm place. 

I chose a spot on Mackinac Island because it felt disconnected from the stimulus that so often made my anxiety worse. I recalled the different sensations my body experienced; sun on my face, leaves dancing with the breeze, the gentle sound of waves, and the cool feeling of earth beneath me.

All of this helped because I'm a person who feels most at peace surrounded by nature. I'm also a cat person. So I envisioned a giant panther purring while I lay against his side. The sound of a cat purring has always helped me feel calm. The key was creating a crystal clear inner vision that calmed me when my body felt out of control.

Find People & Places That Build You Up

We all benefit from close friends who are good listeners or a creative outlet that express our feelings. Part of living with depression is doing everything in your power to scaffold your inner self. Think about the kind of habits, places, or people that might encourage you to withdraw, shut down your inner creativity, or enable crippling behavior. Avoid them.

Living with depression is all about healing your inner self. Sometimes, there is also trauma that has to be addressed. If this is you, give yourself small goals that are reasonable and manageable. If you're taking a class to enhance a hobby you love, remind yourself that every journey starts with baby steps. Pace yourself and celebrate the progress that you make, however small.

Depression often feeds on self-isolation. We live in a society that encourages us to spend large amounts of our time online. If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts, take advantage of these resources. However, realize that interacting with people in the real world will give you more growth in the long run. If you can, match the people you interact with and your hobbies.

For example, I love to garden. I chose to go to workshops at my local greenhouse. If you have a community garden, consider getting involved. Local libraries are also a great place to find book clubs or creative classes. This is a really great option if your budget is very tight.

Look for people who give you encouragement. This doesn't mean that constructive feedback isn't welcome. Evaluate feedback without dismissing it right away. But don't forget the kind words and compliments. Remember them when you want to tear yourself down for not being good enough. For so many of us, kind words from others can be nourishing for our souls. 

Find beautiful places. I love art galleries because I like seeing the creativity of others. If money is tight, regularly visit a park with beautiful flowers or a local greenhouse. Love yourself enough to buy that bouquet of flowers.

What a shame if I missed all that beauty in this world because I was still staying in my shell? Depression can take so much of our inner selves. But it can also create strength and resilience. Don't let mental illness rob you of a life that is full of rich experiences.